Update for Shannon.

I made a new friend. She's wild and crazy and I love her kids to death.

Happy Fall, Ya'll!

Here are a few updates:

I went to the temple! It was quite possibly the most spiritual feeling I've ever had and it just confirmed so many things for me. Jen is always saying this is new for me. The feelings being so deep in my heart are, yes but knowing this is the true church is not. Everything I've ever learned was confirmed there and as I fasted and prayed about going and what I would be learning I kept getting a reassuring feeling that I was doing is right. It was SO incredibly special that Mother was able to go with me. I loved having my family there and my bishop too. He is wonderful and without his support, I wouldn't have been able to go when I did as I just knew I would have to wait for so much longer than I did.

Abby turned 1! Oh my gosh, it seems like just a few weeks ago Jen and Mikal were bringing her home and she was SOO tiny!

Now she's big and SO much fun! I love nothing more than to go to their home and almost every time she sees me, she smiles soo big! It makes my heart swell to know that she loves me as much as I love her. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I'm amazed by her every day and can't imagine what a privilege it is to be a mom. I can't wait to have babies of my own someday!

My job is getting better. I have an awesome coach and he really is concerned with our success. I still want out more than anything in the world but I have no other experience except retail so it doesn't matter that I know I could do it since everyone wants you to have experience already. I just want to have the weekend off and work 9-5. I want a regular schedule so I can go and do things at night. It will improve. I just need to be patient.

September is flying!

Wow, I can't believe how fast this is going by! I was able to receive my Patricarchal Blessing on September 6 which was fast and testimony Sunday and also my favorite Sunday of the month. I can always count on others to draw from their testimonies and add to my own. It was a great blessing and I fell in love with our Patriarch. He and his wife are so sweet but I think that's a requirement to become a Patriarch; you have to be the sweetest person in the world. Jen and Auntie went with me and we all cried. I opened my eyes at one point because they were burning so badly I couldn't hold them shut any longer and the entire room was glowing a magnificent glow! It was awesome.

I go next Friday to receive my endowments and I'm quite excited for that. My family will be there and we have an opportunity to do other work as well. It's going to be a great day.

Saturday (Sept 26), our baby girl turns one. I cannot believe how this year has flown by with her. She is such a blessing to me and I am so thankful I have the opportunity to be her aunt and to know and love her. She is just perfect and I couldn't ask for things to be any better.

A rundown of things

When you go to work and come home, go to church and come home, and don't really do anything else, not a lot happens but there has been a little action.

I'm divorced. I just got my final papers in the mail. I'm relieved that I got them and I'm glad that it is final and I don't have to worry about it any longer. I do still talk to him a little though and the kids are doing ok so I guess all is well.

I'm not going to Nauvoo for my endowments. In stead I'm going to Nashville. I'm telling myself that it isn't about the destination, it's all about the ordinance. So far, it's working although I will go back to Nauvoo and do an endowment session for someone that has been waiting and that makes me happy.

September 6 @ 5pm I get my Patriarchal Blessing. I should have done this years ago but I wasn't ready by any means. Some of us take longer than others. I was rebellious and didn't appreciate it. I'm just thankful that I have the opportunity to do it now because I certainly appreciate what it means and I'm super excited!

I moved! From upstairs to downstairs (lol). I have my own bathroom and a larger closet and it's better. I'm in a home with 2 men at this point though and that was the decision that I had to make. Noone is thrilled that I'm the only female and I'm certainly not either but at least I do have my own spaces. I am looking for a house with Jen and Mikal. Hopefully we can find one that has a finished basement and a seperate entrance. That's pretty much the only way we will be able to live together.

Speaking of Jen and Mikal, they have been out west for the past 3 weeks. It's driving me insane! I miss them like crazy and I know I'm missing stuff with Abby too and I hate it! It just confirms for me that I'm obsessed with her and it can't be healthy. Maybe I need to join a group or something but she is all I think about. :)

Briley is a year old!! I can't believe it! It seems like just a few months ago I was driving down to meet her at a week old. She was so super tiny. She's got 9 teeth and is trying to walk. She gets soo mad at her Pawpaw (who can blame her?!) that she tries to bite him and herself too. She's a funny one.

I am doing research on ways to get into school. I've got to go back again. I've taken a class or two here or there but I'm ready to go back full time. I'm deciding between a few different medical things but I'm still leaning toward nursing. We'll see where it goes.

Nauvoo....sweet, sweet Nauvoo.

absolutely loved my vacation to Nauvoo. It is exactly what I needed and it came at the right time. I missed Abby and General like crazy but it was great. I accidentally left my phone in Tennessee so I had no phone service the entire time we were there unless I used someone else's which I really only did on my birthday (I turned old...27). It's crazy to me how we used to survive and never had cell phones but it was a blessing because I would have been preoccupied the entire time if I'd had it. We saw so many different sites and I learned so much that I never would have learned if I hadn't had the opportunity to go.

I encourage everyone to make a trip to Nauvoo. If you need a testimony builder, that's where it's at. My testimony was strong but now it is rock solid and stronger than ever. I absolutely cannot wait to receive my endowments in the Nauvoo Temple! We will be going this fall and I'm super excited for it because that is "my" temple!




Joseph Smith's home

The Nauvoo Temple @ sunrise

Today is the day.

At 9AM, I go for the divorce hearing. I'm scared to death. I'm excited, nervous, heartbroken, and terrified all at the same time. Everyone keeps saying it won't be that bad but I loved him. Wholeheartedly, with everything I had, I loved him! And now it's done. Over. And while I know it's for the best, I also know that it's not what I wanted. It took forever for me to get to this point. We've been separated for a year and a half and while I begged for his info such as his address, I really just wanted to know where he was. Most of that time, I had no intention on filing anything. Even when I moved to TN I wanted him to come up here and put my stuff in his truck and take me home. I'm glad that never happened now, but it's still the hardest thing I've ever done besides bury my grandmother. It's just hard and I need a mourning period for it. I'm absolutely heartbroken and the one person that can comfort me is on his way to FL, and he's not my husband anymore.

My birthday is coming up!

And I want this. You can all chip in and buy it for me. ;) Seriously, I want a bike and I want a cruiser. I can't stand those little seats and changing gears. I just want to get on and ride like I used to do when I was little. I LOVE riding bikes and dang it, I'm going ot get in shape if it's the last thing I do and it very well may be because it may actually kill me. lol Anyway, the link is to the one that I want. I'll get it eventually.

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10256413&findingMethod=rr

Influences, good ones.

Some are good and some are not so good. I'm wondering what kind I am. I feel like I'm a good influence but thinking that because of my little "crush" and the details of the person some may think I'm not. All I can say is that I know I can't do anything about it nor am I trying to. Do I wish for there to be something there? Yes, but I have about 15 more months to find out and I'm thinking I'm good with that. Am I being realistic about it? Yes. I know the "most likely's" to this equation. I'm not stupid. It's nice having something to look forward to though.

On another note, I have a few other things I'm thinking of. I'm looking and we'll leave it at that. I'm quite excited about it as well. And I'm saving up.

On a great note, Nauvoo is in less than a month. I'd like to be with Abby for my birthday but I'm sooo excited to go to Nauvoo. I absolutely cannot wait. I only wish I were temple ready and had a recommend. That's ok. I will be in the fall. I think I will go to Nashville even though Nauvoo sounds more grand. Nashville feels right though. I suppose I should pray about it, huh? I would love it if my Mom were able to go through with me. What a wonderful experience that would be!

Gracie & Aunt Jackie






Me, Matt, Jen, Abby & Mikal



Abby LOOOVED her ice cream!


Daddy & Abby

Jen & Me on the way to Columbia to take Elder Jolley's birthday stuff to him.

More pics from May

Abby @ Great Grampa's in the grass.




Abby snuggled up with Granny when she came for Mother's Day!


Gracie & Abby looking cute & stuff in matching dresses.



Abby playing with her tractor @ 3AM

Bremen, AL while trying to find the highway. This is the one lane road I was on for 15 miles. Thanks, GPS.

I fell off the bandwagon...

the blogging bandwagon. I was doing well and then we started making a trip to Alabama every week it seems and I lost time to do anything. May has been busy. We went to AL the first Sunday for decoration with our Dad's family which went well. The GPS tried to get me lost several times while there, but it was a great trip and I love to see family that we don't often get to see which always happens when you have a huge family. We've made a few other trips as well and it's been good because it's allowed me to see some friends that I don't normally get to visit with.

This past Saturday, we ventured down to Alabama again to see one of our favorite missionaries, Matt. Jen and I have both seen him a few times since his mission when we were in Utah but neither of us have seen him in about 9 years so it was pretty awesome that he was coming down. We've both always felt like we were kind of stalking him so when he sent us a message and asked us if we could come down, I have to admit, I was pretty shocked. We knew we felt pretty strongly for him but never knew it was reciprocated. We thoroughly enjoyed this trip though. We stayed with Marcie and her family which was great because we haven't spent time with her in years either. I can NOT believe how big her kids are; especially Marnae!

So, while May has been busy, we've been busy taking pictures. There are a ton so I'm posting some. We all know I hate how blogger posts pics so the ones you see up top are the ones from this month.



Me & Holly!


Pioneer Baby Abby



Gracie Mae!




Elder Jolley & Elder Boswell at Santa Fe where we took them to dinner. (Took this with my phone while laughing so it's pretty blurry.)

Samuel

So Excited!!

I know that due to being horribly rebellious and not having great timing this is a little late, but I am getting my Patriarchal Blessing! Most of us get them when we are teens but I do everything in my own time and I'm very excited to be getting mine very soon!

Yes, this means I finally talked to the Bishop and he is awesome! We truly have the best bishop ever. I've never met a man so understanding and uplifting. I instantly felt calm when I went in and although I sobbed (it was the whole broken heart and contrite spirit thing) I feel soo much better. So all that is left to do is make this right with Heavenly Father and Bishop said that I can be on my way to the temple in the fall. I'm SO excited! I absolutely cannot wait to go to the temple and do everything I possibly can. After all, it's about the end result right?!

It's hot.

I hate summer. I don't like being hot and I don't like thinking about being hot. I hate the though of sweating. I like the water but don't like to have to get back into my clothes afterward.

There. That is my pessimistic rant for the day.


On a good note, I have word from my lawyer that July 4 will be the day. Yes, I will be divorced by then. I'm sooooo freaking excited! It's about time something good happened for my birthday! So, we will be celebrating that weekend. In all honesty though, it will be bittersweet. Yes, my marriage ended but I don't see it as a failure because I learned SO much from him. Both good and bad things were learned and I am rising above all of the bad things. :) A part of me will always love him but not in a romantic kind of way. I will always love the kids and want them to succeed and do great things that they are so very capable of.

All I am doing right now is looking forward to the future! It holds great things for me and I've hit the ground running!

My favorite Scripture

I was reading my scriptures the other night and came upon this in the BoM. Ether 12:28 says "Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me the fountain of all righteousness."

Another new favorite is 2 Nephi 4:35 and it says, "Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God."

My testimony...

...has grown so much. I don't even know where to begin. When I think of the things that I have done in the past, I am so ashamed and grateful at the same time. Ashamed because I knew better but grateful because we have a Heavenly Father who is forgiving and knows our heart. I have come to know the church much better in the past 6 months than I ever have. I love going on Sundays and feel like my entire week is thrown off when I don't go. It's not a choice for me anymore but something that I have to do. I love going to church and learning and drawing from other people.

I wish that I could have been this strong when I was married. I often wonder if we could have made it if we had gone to church together and tried to live it. We were both too stubborn though. I know that I have the true Church in my life and he thought he did. I refuse to be with anyone now who isn't LDS. I know the hardships and I want to be married in the temple. I want all of the blessings that I can have and I am working hard to get them! I have no desire to do the things I used to do. I think back on it now and I can't believe some of the stuff I have subjected myself to. I'm lucky nothing bad ever happened.

We are taking a trip to Nauvoo, IL. I'm beyond excited! I've been looking at youtube videos and they make me cry (not much doesn't anymore) but I'm SO excited to get away and see the history. I want to walk where the pioneers walked and I would LOVE to be temple worthy and be able to attend a session in the Nauvoo temple. One day. I just have to talk to the Bishop first and that's a whole other blog post.

For now, I am going to read scriptures and write my testimony for my friend who is receiving one of the Books of Mormon that I got from the missionaries. I just don't know who the 3rd is going to but I'm confident that I will know shortly.

I've realized that...

some days it's better to stay in bed.

What a day!

So it started off nice and normal and then got kinda crazy a little later around 4 pm. Abby and I were at Kroger and the kid never screams like she did in that store. Poor baby was hungry and my keys were NOT making that better at all. People were going sooooo slow and we finally get out of there and get to the car and I can see Jen's apartment complex almost so I thought we'd at least make it home before I had to feed her. We were expecting the missionaries any minute for Elder Jolley's last night (so sad) and Abby and I had half the stuff for it. So, I get her in her seat and she's screaming, I go to crank the car and it only clicks. Are you kidding me?! So, I tried it again and my lights are on and my radio is on and all seems well but it only clicks again. Crap. So I call Jen and Mikal is in North Nashville so I'm stuck. I called my roommate who comes to rescue us and I fed Abby while we waited. A little background is that I have been having issues with the car wanting to start sometimes and Mikal has been on me about going and having it checked. Well, I never did. So to make an even longer story short, it's my battery. Let's hope my warranty covers it because that's the last thing I want to have to buy. It could be worse and I get that, but I've only had the car 7 months (6 months driving time) and the battery shouldn't be dead yet.

So the missionaries get there and we had a great dinner and took some pics. I knew I was sad and that I had gotten really attached to Elder Jolley but I didn't think I'd cry. So I cried after they left. In my defense though, he was getting pretty red faced. I had to bake a cake and take some to them. I put it on the doorstep and texted them to let them know to check outside. It was cool. It's been awesome getting to know him and I wish him the very best on the rest of his mission. He has already grown so much and is such an awesome guy. There are great things in store for him!

Woohoo!

The pool is almost open! I'm so excited! I start tomorrow morning with my new routine. It is to get up before 11 and go walk with General around the neighborhood and eat better. I have the stuff to eat healthy with, but it's the cooking it part I struggle with. As much as I hate to cook, I am starting to miss it. There is a level of creativity with it. Maybe I will go to the library and see what kind of cookbooks I can find.

On a sad note, my most fave missionary of all is leaving on Tuesday. I'm going to miss him. We have had the chance to see Elder Jolley grow both spiritually and emotionally as well. He is someone very special to all of us and I know that he will do great things while serving his mission for the Church.

On a better note, my personal mission for myself is going great. Every time I start to feel down about things, I go outside and get some fresh air and think positive until I start believing it. It does make the day go better. As I told Mother this morning, I will be back to the old Jackie who never gets intimidated and didn't let anything get her down. She is making a return and it's great!

Life is good!

Randomness.

Just thought I'd post some pics. Here is where I live and a few other random shots. Oh, and let me just say that I don't like the way blogger posts pics.

WRAP IT UP!!!!!!!

That was the exact email I got tonight while I was on one of my last calls. It was a 20 minute call and honestly, could have been done in 10 if I wasn't so anal about making sure I give the right amount for a credit. The lady, Rosa, that I was on the phone with started talking about everything and asking me if I live on a farm and all kinds of stuff. It has to be a 2 way dialog so I took the bait and all the while I was still working on her credit. We talked about all kinds of stuff and at the 20 minute mark, I got an email from my supervisor saying to wrap it up with 64 exclamation points. I'm thinking I will be in trouble tomorrow and I won't be surprised at all. They are firing people left and right and since my quality isn't there, this phone call could be the death of me at T-Mobile. Let us pray....

I'm back on the bandwagon

I fell off the wagon (when Abby's went in the shop) about drinking water only and I've long been off the healthy food wagon. I'm back on. I figure the only way I will feel better is if *I* make the effort. I'm the person that tells you to get back up immediately after falling off and I'm doing that with myself. I am the only person who can allow myself to be depressed. The medicine gives me wicked hot flashes and I'm not going ot deal with it so I'm changing it.

I haven't had any dr pepper this week so far and I'm going to keep it that way. I am trying to cook before I go to work so I'm not buying anything. I'm determined to lose weight and I expect to look cute for my divorce hearing. :) I'm not looking for a miracle but progress would be nice.

I'm thinking I will take a trip. Jen said she found tickets on Southwest for $157 to Colorado. I can do that and I have a 4 day weekend coming up if I can still take it when it gets here. I'm also thinking I will pick a random spot on the map and maybe drive somewhere just me for the weekend. I don't know where to go but I know that I want to do it all by myself. I don't want to visit with anyone, I just want to go somewhere and get away from the stress of it all.

I am looking at school again. I'm hoping to start sometime between now and fall. I know that's a broad range but I really need my divorce to be final before I can start again. I'm looking forward to it even though I don't know for sure what I want to be when I grow up.

I am also going to start reading scriptures twice a day again like I should have been all along. My goal is to read the BOM by the end of the year. I'm starting and since it is here, I'm going to do it.

I decided today that I will be open to any new situations and I am going to try and make the best out of what I have to deal with. My schedule definitely sucks but I was talking to someone tonight who told they are willing to work around it and if someone else is willing I should be too, right?

So, I'm good. I'm determined. You are going to see the old Jackie come out minus the anger. :) I will show him that he doesn't control my life anymore. I do and I'm going to do a good job of it!

The truth.

Well, I don't feel like holding everything in anymore. I'm depressed. REALLY depressed. I am ok when I'm out with Jen and Abby and I'm ok when I am around other people but when I'm by myself all I think about is my divorce and why he is the way he is.

I hate him. I hate him with everything in me and I'm so jealous that I can't see strait about the fact that he is able to do the things he is doing. Why is he able to do this? Because before I even filed for divorce I helped him with bills until last May. I should have put that money toward a divorce but I wanted to make it work while meanwhile he was doing the same thing then that he was when we were married. He was giving me enough string to keep me there but he was with other people too. My self esteem is gone when it comes to men. I've been in some tough situations and I can put on a pretty good front but the truth is that I'm scared to death. I'm scared I will never be married again because I don't know if I have the want to to let someone in again. I have such a huge, long list of what I'm not willing to accept and it's based on Cliff. It's also him that I blame for being such a huge reason I don't want kids. I had kids and he took them away from me not once, but twice. Granted the first time was the hardest because I was prepared for the second but he still took them. I was a good mother. I may not have been the most patient and I may have been super stressed and took it out on them a little too much but they were taken care of and we had fun together. I just feel like noone is going to see what I have to offer. I gave him everything I had to give and he didn't care. I honestly feel like I'm just wasting my time thinking it will happen one day.

I stress about living situations. I hate living with other people. I've figured this out. I want things my way and not yours. I am very stubborn with that and it is getting more difficult to deal. I like my roommates and they help me out a lot but I am not roommate material. I need my own house. I need my own things. I don't want to have to worry about my things being gone or abused. Not that I have to where I am but I don't have much since I left it all with Cliff so what little I do have, I'd like to keep it in good shape and not have to replace it. I am looking to get more stuff and a deposit so I can get my own place. I was on my own with a family for way too long to do things someone else's way. Again, I feel the need to say that I have good roommates and I don't have to worry about anything with them and I know that, but these are things I think about constantly and it stresses me out.

My job. Ugh. I don't know how to do things differently but if I don't start, I'm not going to have one. I'm doing the best I can and it's not good enough. I don't know what else to do! I don't know what else to do! I DON'T FREAKING KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I actually feel better about putting that here. I am not meeting quality. My other stats are ok and coming up but that one is not and that is what they harp on.

Friends. Hah! I have none here and I hate it. I don't have the energy to get out and make any and don't have the time either. I have an awkward shift that doesn't allow for anything. I hate this. I've never been someone who doesn't have friends but that's where I'm at right now and it doesn't feel good. I understand people have their groups already and it's hard to get in there but sometimes you have to make room for someone new. It seems people aren't open to that so much.

School isn't happening right now either. I would feel a bit better if it was. I miss being in that environment. I love school and I want to learn. I want to start getting classes over with so I can have a "big girl job." I want a career and not just a job. I don't want to be in a freaking call center. I want to be their customer who gets to leave it after one phone call. So frustrating to me because I look at other people my age and people that I went to school with and they have careers and they have done things and I've made a huge mistake in getting married at 19 and I have nothing to show for it.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling like a loser. I never used to feel this way until I let him drag me down to his level and it's hard climbing back up and I'm so scared that it's going to take forever. At least I have Abby. She is the one thing that makes me smile every single time I think of her and my heart melts when she sees me and grins at me because she is happy to see me.

I know this all sounds very poor, pitiful me but it's not. I just get tired of holding it all in and since noone really reads it anyway, I figure I'm good to put it out there.

He's fixed.

Not that he was broken but he is now a man without his "stuff." General got fixed a little over a month ago and he is SO calm now for the most part. Granted, he is still a terrier and will never be truly calm but for him he is very mellow. He has a girlfriend and her name is Sheba. She is a boxer mix and so cute even though she eats any and everything that she looks at. They love each other and curl up together all of the time. Karen has the cutest pic of them curled up like yin and yang. So cute and it makes it a lot easier for me to be at work knowing he is part of the pack and that Karen and Mike are awesome enough to take care of him for me while I'm working.

General is very lucky we are living here. He has a huge yard to run around in but he is an opportunist and opportunists take opportunities. General takes every opportunity he gets to run out of the yard. I've only had to go and get him once but apparently Karen and Mike have to quite often. Sorry guys. He loves you at least. :)

I love her!

Tonight is the first of many sleepovers between Ms Abigail Caitlyn and Aunt Jackie. She may not be as thrilled as I am but she is definitely not as upset as she could be. I know that I say it all of the time but I LOVE HER!!

I just wish I could explain how much she has saved me and changed my life for the better. She saved me from myself and made me realize that I deserve good things and that I will do anything to make her proud. I never want her to be embarrassed that she has me for an aunt. I only want her to know that I love her and I want to teach her things and have those girly moments with her.

I tell Jen all of the time that if they move, they have to make sure I can transfer there with my job. I'm very serious about that because I can't stand to be away from her. I hope that at some point in everyone's life you can feel so content and happy as I do at this moment.

Wow. It's been awhile.

I watched Nights in Rodanthe tonight. When it was in the theater I wanted to see it with Dave soo bad. I am SO glad I didn't because it brought up so much emotion for me.

I want someone to love me like that and they never have and I'm scared never will. I never felt like Cliff loved me from day to day and it is getting more and more difficult to not have that still when everyone else already does. I hope that they appreciate it because it is something not to be taken for granted.

On a better note, Abby is almost 5 months old! I can't believe that. She is my world. I love this little girl with everything in me! If it weren't for her, there is so much that I wouldn't have done. She brought me to TN and that has been the best thing I've ever done. She brought me back to the church and that is the biggest achievment for me of the year. I hate when I don't get to be with her every day and I would give anything for Jen and Mikal to let me keep her over night already. (hint hint)

Work is work. I have the most horrible shift ever and I can't make myself have a positive attitude about it. Working till midnight and not having weekends off infuriates me. I pray every night that Heavenly Father will help me be better so that I can have better stats next time round with the shift bids so I can get something decent. I just absolutely hate it.

I'm still not enrolled in school. Once I get the divorce final (I'm waiting on my 60 days and then the court date and I'm done!), I am enrolling. I have the desire but I have to get everything settled down so I can concentrate.

Hopefully it won't be this long next. I need to make myself sit down and write more often. I will do better. I promise.

-Jax-