Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The truth.

Well, I don't feel like holding everything in anymore. I'm depressed. REALLY depressed. I am ok when I'm out with Jen and Abby and I'm ok when I am around other people but when I'm by myself all I think about is my divorce and why he is the way he is.

I hate him. I hate him with everything in me and I'm so jealous that I can't see strait about the fact that he is able to do the things he is doing. Why is he able to do this? Because before I even filed for divorce I helped him with bills until last May. I should have put that money toward a divorce but I wanted to make it work while meanwhile he was doing the same thing then that he was when we were married. He was giving me enough string to keep me there but he was with other people too. My self esteem is gone when it comes to men. I've been in some tough situations and I can put on a pretty good front but the truth is that I'm scared to death. I'm scared I will never be married again because I don't know if I have the want to to let someone in again. I have such a huge, long list of what I'm not willing to accept and it's based on Cliff. It's also him that I blame for being such a huge reason I don't want kids. I had kids and he took them away from me not once, but twice. Granted the first time was the hardest because I was prepared for the second but he still took them. I was a good mother. I may not have been the most patient and I may have been super stressed and took it out on them a little too much but they were taken care of and we had fun together. I just feel like noone is going to see what I have to offer. I gave him everything I had to give and he didn't care. I honestly feel like I'm just wasting my time thinking it will happen one day.

I stress about living situations. I hate living with other people. I've figured this out. I want things my way and not yours. I am very stubborn with that and it is getting more difficult to deal. I like my roommates and they help me out a lot but I am not roommate material. I need my own house. I need my own things. I don't want to have to worry about my things being gone or abused. Not that I have to where I am but I don't have much since I left it all with Cliff so what little I do have, I'd like to keep it in good shape and not have to replace it. I am looking to get more stuff and a deposit so I can get my own place. I was on my own with a family for way too long to do things someone else's way. Again, I feel the need to say that I have good roommates and I don't have to worry about anything with them and I know that, but these are things I think about constantly and it stresses me out.

My job. Ugh. I don't know how to do things differently but if I don't start, I'm not going to have one. I'm doing the best I can and it's not good enough. I don't know what else to do! I don't know what else to do! I DON'T FREAKING KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I actually feel better about putting that here. I am not meeting quality. My other stats are ok and coming up but that one is not and that is what they harp on.

Friends. Hah! I have none here and I hate it. I don't have the energy to get out and make any and don't have the time either. I have an awkward shift that doesn't allow for anything. I hate this. I've never been someone who doesn't have friends but that's where I'm at right now and it doesn't feel good. I understand people have their groups already and it's hard to get in there but sometimes you have to make room for someone new. It seems people aren't open to that so much.

School isn't happening right now either. I would feel a bit better if it was. I miss being in that environment. I love school and I want to learn. I want to start getting classes over with so I can have a "big girl job." I want a career and not just a job. I don't want to be in a freaking call center. I want to be their customer who gets to leave it after one phone call. So frustrating to me because I look at other people my age and people that I went to school with and they have careers and they have done things and I've made a huge mistake in getting married at 19 and I have nothing to show for it.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling like a loser. I never used to feel this way until I let him drag me down to his level and it's hard climbing back up and I'm so scared that it's going to take forever. At least I have Abby. She is the one thing that makes me smile every single time I think of her and my heart melts when she sees me and grins at me because she is happy to see me.

I know this all sounds very poor, pitiful me but it's not. I just get tired of holding it all in and since noone really reads it anyway, I figure I'm good to put it out there.