Saturday, September 25, 2010

Damaged Goods.

That's what I am.

I try really hard not to get upset about my divorce and about things I can't control.

In the past week, I've dealt with more financial situations than I've ever thought about. I've gotten declined for a new car because mine is only worth $3000 even though I owe $12k. Why, you ask? Because when it was wrecked before the first payment had even been paid, I apprently should have traded it immediately. They should have totaled it and not paid the $10k it took to fix it. At this point, I don't know what to do. I need a new car. I'm tired of not being able to drive more than 230 miles before I have to fill up for $40 again. I'm just sick of it. I want something I can depend on to get me there and back and not have any left over brokenness from a wreck that should have totaled it out 2 years ago. I'm just sick of it all.

I've been working on my credit and it's come up almost 100 points in the past year which is awesome! I've tried making sure that everything is getting paid and that it's something I can pay for if I buy anything new. I don't get things on credit and I've been paying for all of the stuff on my report little by little and I'm proud of where it's going. It's still not enough though. I still can't do anything. I can't purchase anything on credit because I'm "high risk" and it's so frustrating. Luckily, my Pop is awesome and wants to help me. My Dad may not help me but Pop is always there and I love him for it.

Cliff called tonight. Dang it. Why do I let him get to me? Because we were married for 7 years? He tells me not to put much stock into religion. Dude, you don't get it. The Gospel is the only thing I can do and always feel good about it! If I didn't have the gospel, I don't know where I would be right now. He lied to me the entire time we talked. Why did I stay on the phone you ask? Because I'm a sucker. He gave me enough about the kids to keep me going and I will always want to hear more. I miss his kids. I miss MY kids. I miss being with them and doing homework with them. I miss getting them up for school and telling them I love them. I miss hugging them before they went to sleep and being the person they wanted to talk to when something bad happened at school that day. I even miss the arguing sometimes.

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