My testimony...

...has grown so much. I don't even know where to begin. When I think of the things that I have done in the past, I am so ashamed and grateful at the same time. Ashamed because I knew better but grateful because we have a Heavenly Father who is forgiving and knows our heart. I have come to know the church much better in the past 6 months than I ever have. I love going on Sundays and feel like my entire week is thrown off when I don't go. It's not a choice for me anymore but something that I have to do. I love going to church and learning and drawing from other people.

I wish that I could have been this strong when I was married. I often wonder if we could have made it if we had gone to church together and tried to live it. We were both too stubborn though. I know that I have the true Church in my life and he thought he did. I refuse to be with anyone now who isn't LDS. I know the hardships and I want to be married in the temple. I want all of the blessings that I can have and I am working hard to get them! I have no desire to do the things I used to do. I think back on it now and I can't believe some of the stuff I have subjected myself to. I'm lucky nothing bad ever happened.

We are taking a trip to Nauvoo, IL. I'm beyond excited! I've been looking at youtube videos and they make me cry (not much doesn't anymore) but I'm SO excited to get away and see the history. I want to walk where the pioneers walked and I would LOVE to be temple worthy and be able to attend a session in the Nauvoo temple. One day. I just have to talk to the Bishop first and that's a whole other blog post.

For now, I am going to read scriptures and write my testimony for my friend who is receiving one of the Books of Mormon that I got from the missionaries. I just don't know who the 3rd is going to but I'm confident that I will know shortly.

I've realized that...

some days it's better to stay in bed.

What a day!

So it started off nice and normal and then got kinda crazy a little later around 4 pm. Abby and I were at Kroger and the kid never screams like she did in that store. Poor baby was hungry and my keys were NOT making that better at all. People were going sooooo slow and we finally get out of there and get to the car and I can see Jen's apartment complex almost so I thought we'd at least make it home before I had to feed her. We were expecting the missionaries any minute for Elder Jolley's last night (so sad) and Abby and I had half the stuff for it. So, I get her in her seat and she's screaming, I go to crank the car and it only clicks. Are you kidding me?! So, I tried it again and my lights are on and my radio is on and all seems well but it only clicks again. Crap. So I call Jen and Mikal is in North Nashville so I'm stuck. I called my roommate who comes to rescue us and I fed Abby while we waited. A little background is that I have been having issues with the car wanting to start sometimes and Mikal has been on me about going and having it checked. Well, I never did. So to make an even longer story short, it's my battery. Let's hope my warranty covers it because that's the last thing I want to have to buy. It could be worse and I get that, but I've only had the car 7 months (6 months driving time) and the battery shouldn't be dead yet.

So the missionaries get there and we had a great dinner and took some pics. I knew I was sad and that I had gotten really attached to Elder Jolley but I didn't think I'd cry. So I cried after they left. In my defense though, he was getting pretty red faced. I had to bake a cake and take some to them. I put it on the doorstep and texted them to let them know to check outside. It was cool. It's been awesome getting to know him and I wish him the very best on the rest of his mission. He has already grown so much and is such an awesome guy. There are great things in store for him!

Woohoo!

The pool is almost open! I'm so excited! I start tomorrow morning with my new routine. It is to get up before 11 and go walk with General around the neighborhood and eat better. I have the stuff to eat healthy with, but it's the cooking it part I struggle with. As much as I hate to cook, I am starting to miss it. There is a level of creativity with it. Maybe I will go to the library and see what kind of cookbooks I can find.

On a sad note, my most fave missionary of all is leaving on Tuesday. I'm going to miss him. We have had the chance to see Elder Jolley grow both spiritually and emotionally as well. He is someone very special to all of us and I know that he will do great things while serving his mission for the Church.

On a better note, my personal mission for myself is going great. Every time I start to feel down about things, I go outside and get some fresh air and think positive until I start believing it. It does make the day go better. As I told Mother this morning, I will be back to the old Jackie who never gets intimidated and didn't let anything get her down. She is making a return and it's great!

Life is good!

Randomness.

Just thought I'd post some pics. Here is where I live and a few other random shots. Oh, and let me just say that I don't like the way blogger posts pics.

WRAP IT UP!!!!!!!

That was the exact email I got tonight while I was on one of my last calls. It was a 20 minute call and honestly, could have been done in 10 if I wasn't so anal about making sure I give the right amount for a credit. The lady, Rosa, that I was on the phone with started talking about everything and asking me if I live on a farm and all kinds of stuff. It has to be a 2 way dialog so I took the bait and all the while I was still working on her credit. We talked about all kinds of stuff and at the 20 minute mark, I got an email from my supervisor saying to wrap it up with 64 exclamation points. I'm thinking I will be in trouble tomorrow and I won't be surprised at all. They are firing people left and right and since my quality isn't there, this phone call could be the death of me at T-Mobile. Let us pray....

I'm back on the bandwagon

I fell off the wagon (when Abby's went in the shop) about drinking water only and I've long been off the healthy food wagon. I'm back on. I figure the only way I will feel better is if *I* make the effort. I'm the person that tells you to get back up immediately after falling off and I'm doing that with myself. I am the only person who can allow myself to be depressed. The medicine gives me wicked hot flashes and I'm not going ot deal with it so I'm changing it.

I haven't had any dr pepper this week so far and I'm going to keep it that way. I am trying to cook before I go to work so I'm not buying anything. I'm determined to lose weight and I expect to look cute for my divorce hearing. :) I'm not looking for a miracle but progress would be nice.

I'm thinking I will take a trip. Jen said she found tickets on Southwest for $157 to Colorado. I can do that and I have a 4 day weekend coming up if I can still take it when it gets here. I'm also thinking I will pick a random spot on the map and maybe drive somewhere just me for the weekend. I don't know where to go but I know that I want to do it all by myself. I don't want to visit with anyone, I just want to go somewhere and get away from the stress of it all.

I am looking at school again. I'm hoping to start sometime between now and fall. I know that's a broad range but I really need my divorce to be final before I can start again. I'm looking forward to it even though I don't know for sure what I want to be when I grow up.

I am also going to start reading scriptures twice a day again like I should have been all along. My goal is to read the BOM by the end of the year. I'm starting and since it is here, I'm going to do it.

I decided today that I will be open to any new situations and I am going to try and make the best out of what I have to deal with. My schedule definitely sucks but I was talking to someone tonight who told they are willing to work around it and if someone else is willing I should be too, right?

So, I'm good. I'm determined. You are going to see the old Jackie come out minus the anger. :) I will show him that he doesn't control my life anymore. I do and I'm going to do a good job of it!

The truth.

Well, I don't feel like holding everything in anymore. I'm depressed. REALLY depressed. I am ok when I'm out with Jen and Abby and I'm ok when I am around other people but when I'm by myself all I think about is my divorce and why he is the way he is.

I hate him. I hate him with everything in me and I'm so jealous that I can't see strait about the fact that he is able to do the things he is doing. Why is he able to do this? Because before I even filed for divorce I helped him with bills until last May. I should have put that money toward a divorce but I wanted to make it work while meanwhile he was doing the same thing then that he was when we were married. He was giving me enough string to keep me there but he was with other people too. My self esteem is gone when it comes to men. I've been in some tough situations and I can put on a pretty good front but the truth is that I'm scared to death. I'm scared I will never be married again because I don't know if I have the want to to let someone in again. I have such a huge, long list of what I'm not willing to accept and it's based on Cliff. It's also him that I blame for being such a huge reason I don't want kids. I had kids and he took them away from me not once, but twice. Granted the first time was the hardest because I was prepared for the second but he still took them. I was a good mother. I may not have been the most patient and I may have been super stressed and took it out on them a little too much but they were taken care of and we had fun together. I just feel like noone is going to see what I have to offer. I gave him everything I had to give and he didn't care. I honestly feel like I'm just wasting my time thinking it will happen one day.

I stress about living situations. I hate living with other people. I've figured this out. I want things my way and not yours. I am very stubborn with that and it is getting more difficult to deal. I like my roommates and they help me out a lot but I am not roommate material. I need my own house. I need my own things. I don't want to have to worry about my things being gone or abused. Not that I have to where I am but I don't have much since I left it all with Cliff so what little I do have, I'd like to keep it in good shape and not have to replace it. I am looking to get more stuff and a deposit so I can get my own place. I was on my own with a family for way too long to do things someone else's way. Again, I feel the need to say that I have good roommates and I don't have to worry about anything with them and I know that, but these are things I think about constantly and it stresses me out.

My job. Ugh. I don't know how to do things differently but if I don't start, I'm not going to have one. I'm doing the best I can and it's not good enough. I don't know what else to do! I don't know what else to do! I DON'T FREAKING KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I actually feel better about putting that here. I am not meeting quality. My other stats are ok and coming up but that one is not and that is what they harp on.

Friends. Hah! I have none here and I hate it. I don't have the energy to get out and make any and don't have the time either. I have an awkward shift that doesn't allow for anything. I hate this. I've never been someone who doesn't have friends but that's where I'm at right now and it doesn't feel good. I understand people have their groups already and it's hard to get in there but sometimes you have to make room for someone new. It seems people aren't open to that so much.

School isn't happening right now either. I would feel a bit better if it was. I miss being in that environment. I love school and I want to learn. I want to start getting classes over with so I can have a "big girl job." I want a career and not just a job. I don't want to be in a freaking call center. I want to be their customer who gets to leave it after one phone call. So frustrating to me because I look at other people my age and people that I went to school with and they have careers and they have done things and I've made a huge mistake in getting married at 19 and I have nothing to show for it.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling like a loser. I never used to feel this way until I let him drag me down to his level and it's hard climbing back up and I'm so scared that it's going to take forever. At least I have Abby. She is the one thing that makes me smile every single time I think of her and my heart melts when she sees me and grins at me because she is happy to see me.

I know this all sounds very poor, pitiful me but it's not. I just get tired of holding it all in and since noone really reads it anyway, I figure I'm good to put it out there.

He's fixed.

Not that he was broken but he is now a man without his "stuff." General got fixed a little over a month ago and he is SO calm now for the most part. Granted, he is still a terrier and will never be truly calm but for him he is very mellow. He has a girlfriend and her name is Sheba. She is a boxer mix and so cute even though she eats any and everything that she looks at. They love each other and curl up together all of the time. Karen has the cutest pic of them curled up like yin and yang. So cute and it makes it a lot easier for me to be at work knowing he is part of the pack and that Karen and Mike are awesome enough to take care of him for me while I'm working.

General is very lucky we are living here. He has a huge yard to run around in but he is an opportunist and opportunists take opportunities. General takes every opportunity he gets to run out of the yard. I've only had to go and get him once but apparently Karen and Mike have to quite often. Sorry guys. He loves you at least. :)

I love her!

Tonight is the first of many sleepovers between Ms Abigail Caitlyn and Aunt Jackie. She may not be as thrilled as I am but she is definitely not as upset as she could be. I know that I say it all of the time but I LOVE HER!!

I just wish I could explain how much she has saved me and changed my life for the better. She saved me from myself and made me realize that I deserve good things and that I will do anything to make her proud. I never want her to be embarrassed that she has me for an aunt. I only want her to know that I love her and I want to teach her things and have those girly moments with her.

I tell Jen all of the time that if they move, they have to make sure I can transfer there with my job. I'm very serious about that because I can't stand to be away from her. I hope that at some point in everyone's life you can feel so content and happy as I do at this moment.

Wow. It's been awhile.

I watched Nights in Rodanthe tonight. When it was in the theater I wanted to see it with Dave soo bad. I am SO glad I didn't because it brought up so much emotion for me.

I want someone to love me like that and they never have and I'm scared never will. I never felt like Cliff loved me from day to day and it is getting more and more difficult to not have that still when everyone else already does. I hope that they appreciate it because it is something not to be taken for granted.

On a better note, Abby is almost 5 months old! I can't believe that. She is my world. I love this little girl with everything in me! If it weren't for her, there is so much that I wouldn't have done. She brought me to TN and that has been the best thing I've ever done. She brought me back to the church and that is the biggest achievment for me of the year. I hate when I don't get to be with her every day and I would give anything for Jen and Mikal to let me keep her over night already. (hint hint)

Work is work. I have the most horrible shift ever and I can't make myself have a positive attitude about it. Working till midnight and not having weekends off infuriates me. I pray every night that Heavenly Father will help me be better so that I can have better stats next time round with the shift bids so I can get something decent. I just absolutely hate it.

I'm still not enrolled in school. Once I get the divorce final (I'm waiting on my 60 days and then the court date and I'm done!), I am enrolling. I have the desire but I have to get everything settled down so I can concentrate.

Hopefully it won't be this long next. I need to make myself sit down and write more often. I will do better. I promise.

-Jax-